A Charmed Life
by Metisse
Summary: This one is Alex's Defining Moments story. Starts older for her since I always imagined her childhood was normal. Takes her through the end of Season 6. Potential BA in later chapters.
1. The End of the Fairy Tale

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, Dick Wolf owns everything.**

_A/N: I'm now learning to juggle. This is the third story I've started and I promise I will finish them all. It's just when the ideas come, I have to start or I'll either forget or get into something else. Many people seem to assume Alex has had a charmed life or something but like Bobby's Defining Moments, this one is the moments that have made Alex the person she is today. It starts older for her since I think her childhood probably was pretty normal. _

The End of the Fairy Tale

Alexandra Eames was the third child of John and Elizabeth Eames. She was a happy child. Nothing about her childhood stood out as extraordinary except that she was from a family of cops. Her father, grandfather and two uncles on her father's side and one on her mother's side were cops. Her mother worked as a secretary at the precinct her father worked at. That was how they met in the first place.

Alex, her older brother and sister and her kid brother were your typical children. They played together, argued and protected each other as the occasion warranted. Alex was bright and did well in school. She was popular and was voted Prom Queen in her senior year of high school, which was a surprise to her family considering she was such a tomboy and showed no interest in being Prom Queen.

After graduating high school, Alex headed straight to college. She had worked part-time jobs and got a partial scholarship to pay her own way. With four children to raise, money was tight in the Eames household. Since Elizabeth had quit her job to take care of the children after Alex was born - Elizabeth's parents were older and barely made it with the two they had already and by the time Alex came along, it was too much for them.

It had never been a question in her mind what she would study and what she would do upon graduation. Alexandra Eames graduated from college and headed straight to the Police Academy. While at the Academy she met and fell in love with Joseph William Connors, a fellow cadet. They dated for a couple of years before they finally decided to get married. They made a handsome couple. Petite Alex with her blonde hair and honey brown eyes and Joe who stood at 6' tall with his dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes. A friend told them they looked like they could be the model for the couple on top of the wedding cake.

Joe and Alex had a traditional Catholic wedding. Her family loved Joe and his family loved Alex. It was perfect. They had three years of happy wedded bliss until things started to go down hill.

The problem started shortly after their third anniversary. Joe and Alex had discussed having children before they married. Both came from large families and they talked of having at least two children. Alex was more wary about having more than two but Joe loved kids and if Alex agreed, he would have been happy to have as many children as possible.

It had started innocently enough. Alex and Joe had just finished babysitting his niece and nephew and Joe was missing them already.

"I'm gonna start dinner," Alex said as she kissed her husband and headed for the kitchen.

Joe grabbed her hand and pulled her back down onto the couch beside him, "Dinner can wait, I need to talk to you."

Alex smiled as he pulled her into his arms, "Did you want to actually talk or did you have something else in mind?"

"Maybe both," he replied as he pulled her onto his lap.

"So which do we do first? Talk or something else?" Alex asked as she kissed him.

Joe chuckled, "As tempting as it is to start the something else first, I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now."

"Okay," Alex said as she rested her head on his shoulder. She was seemingly relaxed but her mind was racing. She had a feeling she knew what the 'talk' was going to be about. Her fears were realized when Joe finally spoke.

"I think we should start working on starting our family now."

The word hung there as Joe felt Alex tense in his arms. This had been one of those issues she had kept putting off. While they both agreed they wanted to start a family, it was the _when_ that was in contention.

At first it wasn't an issue. But in the past year or so, Joe had been mentioning it more and more and Alex felt herself reluctant to follow that path. She had just started in Vice and she didn't want to stall her career at this point. Work was important to Alex. She liked her job and while she did want children, she just didn't want them now.

"I'd like to try and get settled in my new department, Joe. We've had this discussion," Alex said as she pulled away from him and stood up.

"No, you had that discussion."

"I'm not ready to have children!" Alex exclaimed as she walked out of the room towards the kitchen.

Joe followed closely behind her, "Alex, you can't keep making these excuses or we'll never have children!"

"Stop being so melodramatic, I didn't say never! I said not now." Alex started grabbing things to start dinner.

Joe grabbed her hands and turned her towards him, "We've been married three years, Alex. I thought we said we wanted to start a family after about a year?"

Alex pulled her hands away from him, "Things change, Joe. When I said that three years ago I didn't know I'd be where I am right now."

"And where were you two years ago?"

"I'm still young enough and I still will be young enough to have children in another year or two and..."

"Now it's two years? It's always been one year increments with you. At this rate we'll be too old to have children! Or is that your plan?"

Alex bristled, "Why can't you understand that I'm just not ready!"

"Because you said..."

"I know what I said!" Alex yelled. She knew she was starting to sound unreasonable. Truth is she found herself enjoying work too much and the thought of children suddenly wasn't as important to her as it was when she first got married. She had no idea how to tell Joe, so she just got angry.

Storming out of the kitchen, Alex went to the bedroom where she grabbed her purse and keys and headed out.

"Alex! Where are you going?" Joe yelled to her as she stormed past the kitchen. He followed her to the door and grabbed her by the arm, "Alex!"

"Away from you!" she yelled as she pulled away from him again.

Stepping in front of her and leaning back against the door, Joe held Alex by her arms, "Alex, we need to discuss this like two adults. Nothing is going to be resolved by your running off every time we have an argument."

"I don't run away every time we have an argument!" Alex protested.

"No, just everytime we argue about children." Joe looked at his wife who was on the verge of tears. He hated seeing her like this but he wanted a child so badly and he was so unhappy he just couldn't ignore it any longer.

"I'm sorry...I just..." Alex began as the tears began welling up in her eyes. She hated crying like this. She hated using it against her husband but at this moment, she just couldn't help it. Alex loved Joe but she knew he wanted something she wasn't ready to give him and she was afraid it was going to drive him away.

Pulling her into a hug, Joe kissed the top of her head and rubbed his hand soothingly up and down her back, "I'm sorry, too. I love you, Alex. I want to have children with you and I want us to grow old together. Sometimes I think maybe I just get a little impatient, you know?"

Alex allowed herself to be comforted by Joe. She nodded and slipped her arms around his waist as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you so much I hate it that I can't make you happy."

"You do make me happy, honey," Joe said as he gently caressed her face. "We'll work it out."

As she stood there being held by her husband, Alex wanted to believe that but deep in her heart she knew he wouldn't be happy until they finally started a family. The frightening thing was that she was finding the more that time went by, the more it was becoming a secondary concern for her.

The next day their marriage seemed to be back on track on the surface. However, Joe still wanted children and the more time went by, the more he seemed to feel his life was incomplete without them. Alex kept finding more and more reasons she didn't want to start a family.

Joe's parents were starting to pressure them about having children as well now. Alex found herself working on holidays and times when they were supposed to be spending it with his family. Joe started spending more and more time with his family and felt more and more depressed about being the only sibling to not have had any children as yet.

One morning when Alex returned from an all night stake out that they had a huge fight.

"Hey, glad I got to see you before I left," Joe said as he greeted her with a kiss.

Alex smiled. She was tired. It was a long night and she had been walking around in 4 inch red stiletto heels and a very snug fitting leather skirt and halter top. She kissed him back and kicked off her shoes.

"I have good news," he said as he followed her into the living room where she plopped down on the sofa.

"I could use some," Alex said. "All night and the asshole we were looking for didn't show."

Joe sat next to her and took her hand in his, "I got myself put on the night shift at my precinct starting next week."

"And that's good news? I thought you hated being up all night?" Alex asked.

"Yea, but then we can spend more time together and...well, it would make trying to have a baby a lot easier when we see each other regularly."

Alex tensed, "What?"

"It's been a year, you're settled in your job, aren't you?" Joe asked.

"So you just assume I want to have a baby now?" Alex said.

"No, I'm asking if..."

Alex pulled her hand away from Joe, "You're telling me! If you were asking you would have told me about wanting to switch to the night shift and you would have asked me if I was ready!"

"I'm asking if you would consider it now that everything is..." Joe began.

"No! I'm not ready. Now what are you going to do?" Alex asked angrily.

"Damn it, Alex! What is the point of being married if we're not going to have a family?" Joe yelled, his patience at its end.

"How about, we love each other and want to be together for the rest of our lives?" Alex retorted.

"Of course I love you! But what happened to our plans? We wanted a family! I want a family!"

Staring at her bare feet, Alex knew she had to be honest. "I don't," she said quietly. "Not yet..."

Joe stared at his wife in disbelief. He felt his heart breaking as he slowly stood up. "I have to go," he said simply.

Alex felt the tears streaming down her cheeks as she watched him go. She had no idea if he meant he was going to work or just going. Despite wanting to run to him and tell him not to leave, she sat quietly, unsure of what she really wanted.

She fell into an exhausted sleep and was awakened by the ringing of the phone. She glanced at the time, which read 11:30 a.m. "Joe?" she asked as she picked up the phone, hoping it was him calling to tell her he was coming home for lunch to talk things out like they always did.

_"Alex, it's Brad, where are you right now?"_ asked Brad Pruett, Joe's partner.

"I'm home, why?" Alex replied, wondering if perhaps Joe was so distraught he had skipped work today. _No, he would never do that..._

_"I'm...outside your house and I've been knocking for ten minutes...I thought...um, could you let me in?"_

Alex bolted to the front door. _Oh please dear God, don't let this be what I think it is._

Brad stood there looking at her with that _look_ the one that told her all she needed to know before he even opened his mouth.

"NO!" she screamed at him. "Don't you say it, Brad, don't you..."

"I'm sorry, Alex..." was all he could say as Alex turned and ran back into the house.

She grabbed the phone and started to dial Joe's cell.

Brad followed her into the house, "Alex, he's..."

"NO!" Alex screamed again, "It's a mistake! He can't be dead, he can't...we...I...I broke his heart! I have to make it right!"

She could hear the phone ringing and ringing. It finally rolled over to voice mail. _"Hi, this is Joe, can't come to the phone now so you know what to do at the beep," _said his cheerful sounding voice.

Brad stood there unsure of what to do as he watched Alex drop the phone as tears began running down her cheeks. He reached out to her but she slapped his hand away.

"You're wrong! It's a mistake...it's...he's going to call and tell me he's all right. He can't be dead, Brad, he can't be dead! I...it would be too cruel...it's just not right..." her voice trailed off as Brad, tears welling up in his eyes as well, pulled her into an embrace.

"I was there, Alex. He...he was shot...three times...he...was trying to protect a pregnant woman from her asshole husband. The guy...he just..." Brad began.

Alex didn't hear anything after hearing he had been protecting a pregnant woman. Her mind shut down as her grief mixed with incredible guilt and she felt every fiber in her body ache. Never in her life had she known this kind of sorrow. How did people survive this sort of thing, she wondered. How was she going to go on now?

Everything after that was a blur. Brad called her father and sat with Alex until her father and sister arrived to be with her. Brad tried to tell her that Joe was planning to surprise her with lunch and try to make up to her but she wouldn't hear it.

Going through the funeral was the worst part for Alex. Seeing everyone there to honor Joe and having to see his family was almost unbearable. Through it all, Alex remained strong in public. She cried but never broke down like she did when Brad first broke the news to her. Her family rallied around her and told her how much they loved her and reassured her they would be there for her. Nothing made her feel better.

Slowly, as time went by, Alex healed. But there was that scar that would be with her always. _Never again, I'm never going to let myself be that vulnerable ever again. _ She threw herself into her work and to everyone else, she seemed whole once more. Eventually she started dating again but she never let herself get too involved. When someone got too attached she broke it off.

And so life went on for Alexandra Eames.

**End Chapter 1**


	2. Bad Karma

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns absolutely everything I own nothing.**

_A/N: I am of a mind that Alex might have had an abortion at one time in her life. This is based on pure speculation from The Third Horseman episode where it seemed Alex was apparently stressed by Carver being pro-life (telling Bobby about needing a Margarita after the case was over and all) and she seemed to have an unnatural need to know how Bobby truly felt about the whole issue telling him his flip answer wasn't good enough. My take on it was that she at one time had perhaps had an abortion and didn't want to think that her partner might have thought less of her or perhaps judged her negatively if he thought it was wrong. So here we go._

Bad Karma

It had been a year since Joe had died. Alex decided to mark the anniversary by going out to a bar and getting incredibly drunk. She rarely did this since she tended to dislike people who drank to excess on a regular basis. But all things considered, this was as good a reason as any to get completely wasted. It was the anniversary of the day she sent her husband off to work with a broken heart and he never came back.

All day she fended off offers from her family and even Joe's family, to come over and be with her. They knew it had to be a tough day for her and while she appreciated their concern, she didn't want to be surrounded by people.

This was also the six month anniversary of her promotion to Major Case. Her partner, Kevin Poletti, and a couple of other detectives offered to take her out for drinks after work. She politely declined.

At 5:30, when all the t's were crossed and all the i's had been dotted, Alex got up and bid goodnight to her fellow detectives and headed for home. To any family member or friend who asked, she was working that night. Alex didn't feel like having company. Well, she didn't feel like having company who knew her.

She arrived at her apartment in short order. About two months after Joe had died, Alex rented out their house on Rockaway and moved into an apartment in Manhattan. It was a small, one bedroom apartment but it worked for Alex. Nothing there reminded her of Joe. She had put all her pictures away except for one. The picture of the two of them when they had graduated from the Academy together sat on a desk in what was supposed to be her dining room. It was there amidst the photos of her family and friends. She refused to put out their wedding picture because it was too painful a reminder that she was the one who had taken that happy marriage and broken her husband's heart on the last day of his life.

When she joined Major Case, Alex changed her name from Connors back to Eames. She knew it hurt Joe's family that she had not only cut them out of her life but that she had taken back her maiden name. It was just another reminder to her of Joe and it was too painful. She knew his family meant well but they were a constant reminder to her of Joe.

Changing from her pants suit into jeans and a white tank top, Alex headed right back out to a bar she had never been to before. She didn't want to risk running into anyone she knew. All she wanted to do was lose herself in a few vodka martinis so she could forget what day it was.

Entering the dimly lit establishment, she made her way to the bar and sat herself down on a stool at the far end where no one else was sitting. The bar tender recognized her desire for solitude so he didn't attempt any small talk. He provided her with the vodka martini she ordered and headed to the part of the bar where the patrons seemed to want someone to talk to.

Alex had finished her second drink and was starting on her third when she found herself with some company. He had been watching her from across the room, sitting in a booth at the back of the bar.

"So, what brings you here all alone on a Friday night?" he asked as he looked her over appreciatively.

Glancing over at him, Alex sighed. It was her luck that despite her best attempts to avoid anyone that she would walk right into someone she'd rather not have seen tonight. "The need for solitude," she replied as she took a sip of her drink.

"I guess that means you're not here with anyone," he said as he leaned in closer.

"Gee, you actually figured that out all by yourself. I'm impressed."

He smiled, "Come on, Alex, play nice. I was just happy to see you again and thought maybe you'd like to join me for a drink. I sort of got stood up."

Jeff Marshall was detective Alex had met while working Vice. He was transferring in just as she was transferring out to Major Case. During the two weeks they had spent working together, he had flirted with her and they had gone out for lunch a couple of times and drinks after work once.

He was a nice enough guy and he was definitely good looking enough to have most of the females in the department admiring him and flirting shamelessly with him. Alex would have been flattered that he seemed to only be interested in her but she really didn't care. She was still hurting over the loss of Joe and it didn't help that he even looked enough like him that when approaching him from behind, he could easily have been Joe Connors.

When he called her after she started at Major Case, she politely turned down his requests to take her to dinner or even lunch. Finally she just frankly told him she was not interested. That, she thought, was the end of it.

"Telling a girl you just got stood up isn't the best advertisement for yourself," Alex said simply as she finally turned to look at him. She had to admit he looked good. His dark brown hair was a little longer than she remembered but otherwise, he had the same boyish smile and chiseled jawline that reminded her so much of Joe. And of course he was dressed in his black suit with

that blue shirt that brought out the blue in his eyes.

Jeff chuckled, "It wasn't a date or anything. It was my partner. Halverson's wife decided he couldn't come out and play tonight since her parents are coming to town."

Taking another sip of her drink, Alex was feeling no pain at this point. She contemplated Jeff's offer and while it might have seemed like a bad idea to her before she started drinking, it didn't seem like such a bad idea now.

"So, how about it? I'll even buy the next round," Jeff offered hopefully. He really liked Alex. In the short time he had known her, he found her to be intelligent, funny and a very caring person. It also didn't hurt that she was gorgeous.

Alex shrugged, "Oh why not." She grabbed her martini and followed a beaming Jeff to the more intimate booth in the back of the bar.

It happened rather quickly after that. Somewhere in the middle of her fourth vodka martini, Alex found Jeff's attempts to flirt with her to be rather endearing. By the end of her fifth drink, she started flirting back. By the time she ordered her seventh, she was sitting on the same side of the booth as Jeff and by the end of the seventh she was in his lap.

They ended up at Jeff's apartment and the next morning found Alex waking up with a colossal headache and a churning stomach. Despite her ailments, she somehow managed to empty the contents of her stomach in the bathroom, then grab all her clothes from around the bedroom and make it out of the apartment without waking a soundly sleeping Jeff.

Later that afternoon, Alex finally dragged herself out of bed and checked her messages. One from her sister calling to see if she was still coming over for Sunday dinner, one was from her father calling to make sure she was all right and four from Jeff asking her to call him.

_This is why you don't go out and get shit-faced, Alex! _She berated herself as she thought of what she was going to say to Jeff. _ 'Gee, thanks for the drinks and the sex but I was really just trying to punish myself for the guilt I feel over breaking my husband's heart and sending him off to die,' _just didn't sound very good under any circumstances.

Her stomach was churning again and all thoughts of what to say to Jeff were overshadowed by her need to throw up. As she emerged from the bathroom, her phone started ringing again.

"Eames," she answered curtly.

_"Alex, it's Jeff, are you all right?"_

Mentally kicking herself for yet another act of stupidity, Alex sighed, "No, Jeff, I'm not all right. I haven't been all right for a year now and I'm sorry for involving you in the mess that is my life but I can't deal with you right now." With that she hung up the phone despite the pangs of guilt that ran through her. Jeff was a good guy and he didn't deserve that but she just didn't have it in her to take the time to be tactful.

The phone rang immediately after she put it down and she refused to answer it. Instead, she decided to take a nice hot shower and then tried to find something to eat. Her stomach was still upset so she settled on some canned chicken noodle soup and crackers. She called her sister and father and assured them she was all right. She then checked her messages and found the expected message from Jeff.

_"Hey Alex, I'm really sorry about last night. I mean...not that I'm sorry we...well...I apparently took advantage of you...I...oh hell, I'm sorry but I really do want to see you again...under better circumstances, I hope. If you don't call, I'll understand...again, I'm sorry."_

Why did Jeff have to be such a decent guy? _See, this is why you don't get drunk and stupid. _Alex resisted the urge to call Jeff back immediately to tell him she was sorry too. That would only give the poor guy hope that she was really a nice person and not the messed up idiot she was last night.

By Sunday evening after she returned home from her Sunday dinner with her family, Alex finally got up the courage to call Jeff. It was harder than she thought it would be to shoot down all his attempts to get her to see him again. He really was a decent guy and it hurt her to have to shut him out but she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. She especially wasn't ready to get involved with someone who reminded her in many ways of Joe.

About a month later, Alex missed her period. She was still on the pill and this was something that never happened. In a panic, she ran to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test kit. When it read positive, she ran out and bought another. When that read positive she made an appointment with her OBGYN.

She sat quite still and stared at her doctor as he told her she was definitely pregnant.

"Alex?" he asked when she had sat silently for a couple of minutes.

"I'm still on the pill, I can't be pregnant," she said in a soft monotone voice.

"You know that no form of birth control except for abstinence is one-hundred percent effective," said Dr. Morton. "Even being on the pill can sometimes lead to pregnancy, condoms can break or leak."

_Great, I don't even remember if we used a condom. _Stunned by the revelation that her stupidity on that one night was even greater than she thought, Alex merely nodded at her doctor and stared down at her hands. _Pregnant...I'm pregnant...oh dear God what have I done? _

"Alex, I encourage you to think about your options..."

"I know my options, Dr. Morton. I just want to know...when can I...I mean...I need to schedule..."

"Wait a second, Alex. You don't have to make any decisions now. You should go home and talk to your family and probably the father of the child and think about this," Dr. Morton advised. "If you don't you might regret it later."

"I'm already regretting it, Dr. Morton," Alex said quietly.

After going over her options, Dr. Morton once again encouraged Alex to talk to her family and the 'father of the child.'

A week later, after trying several times to talk to her sister and her mother but failing miserably because she knew what they would say, Alex made an appointment to have an abortion. Her hands shook as she dialed the phone and her voice sounded like it belonged to someone else as she made the appointment.

That night she sat alone in her darkened apartment and cried. She almost picked up the phone to call Jeff but couldn't go through with it. _It's just going to make things more difficult and awkward...but he deserves to know...but it's my life and my career and...I'm a coward._ She closed her eyes and started to sob uncontrollably. _This is my punishment for breaking his heart...for not giving him what he wanted...what I want some day...just not now...not like this...how pathetic...I'm still making excuses..._

Eventually, when the tears subsided and her conscience got the better of her, she called her sister, Vicky. Vicky came over immediately upon hearing the distress in her little sister's voice. She was alarmed to see normally strong and stoic Alex in tears and somewhat incoherent as she started rambling on and on about Joe, some guy named Jeff, getting drunk and finally, that she was pregnant.

Vicky blinked in surprise. Her golden brown eyes, which looked exactly like Alex's, welled up with tears as she reached out and held her sister close. As Alex expected, Vicky tried to talk her out of her decision. Vicky and her husband were newly married and desperate to start a family. They had been having some trouble and it was just too painful for her to think her sister would give up something so precious.

Despite the argument that ensued, Vicky told Alex she would be there for her in the end and she was. Despite having her sister try and talk her out of it for the entire ride to the clinic, Alex was glad Vicky was there.

It all happened so quickly. Alex lay there staring at the ceiling after it was all over. The clinic felt cold. She shivered and pulled the blanket they gave her up around her as her sister came in to see her. Neither of them spoke. They held hands and cried.

Vicky drove Alex home in silence. Both women lost in their own thoughts.

Later that night, Alex woke from the nap she had taken to find her sister in her kitchen cooking dinner.

"You didn't have to do that," Alex said from the doorway of the kitchen, her hair still in disarray from her nap and her eyes red and puffy from crying.

"It helps to keep busy," Vicky replied as she gave her sister a sad smile. "I told Craig I was going to be staying over with you tonight."

"You don't have to do that either. I'm going to be all right, Vicky."

"You don't look all right now and...besides, I don't know if I can be around Craig tonight and...well, it's better I stay here for both of our sakes," Vicky explained.

Once gain, guilt racked Alex as she turned to leave the room, "I'm going to take a shower."

She stood under the hot running water until it finally turned cold. Wrapping herself up in her terry cloth robe, Alex felt she would never be warm ever again.

**End Chapter 2**


	3. A New Challenge

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I own nothing.**

_A/N: Since I got Bobby all caught up with Alex, chapters will jump back and forth between Defining Moments and this one. Thanks to __untapdtreasure81, gorengal and The Confused One for helping me make this more readable. I don't know how I survived without betas. :-)  
_

**A New Challenge**

It was almost two years since Alex had been working in Major Case. She and her partner, Kevin Poletti, were among the best of the best, and Alex was a favorite of Captain James Deakins. He liked her no-nonsense style and the way she handled herself. He liked her partner Kevin as well, but he knew Poletti had an agenda. Alex did her job well and took pride in her work. Poletti did a good job because he wanted to be noticed.

And noticed he was. Today was Poletti's last day at Major Case because he was transferring to the Organized Crime Control Bureau's Joint Organized Crime Task Force, which would have him working with the FBI's New York field office. It was a higher profile job which would have the good looking and smooth talking Kevin Poletti dealing with the media. It was the perfect job for Kevin. Deakins figured one day this guy would make it big in politics.

Now Deakins was about to assign Eames a new partner. Normally, he just called the two detectives he paired into his office to inform them of their assignment as partners. In the case of Eames' new partner, however, Deakins figured he should give her some warning.

Five months earlier he brought Robert Goren to Major Case. A brilliant but rather unorthodox detective from Narcotics, Goren was generally well-liked. But anyone who partnered with him found him unpredictable and felt uncomfortable working with him. They were frustrated by his methods and he would put them in awkward situations with people who could seriously derail their careers if pushed hard enough. He also tended to run off without a word of explanation and left them to wonder what he was up to. Eventually, they requested a new partner, or in one case, an out and out transfer from the department. So in five months, Goren went through three partners.

And today, Alexandra Eames was going to become partner number four for Robert Goren. Deakins took a deep breath and called her into his office.

"Have a seat, Alex," Deakins said, as he motioned to a chair in front of his desk.

"The new guy a no show?" Alex asked. She was expecting to be introduced to Detective Masuda who was transferring to Major Case from the 19th. It was only natural to assume he was going to be her new partner.

Deakins shook his head, "No, he's coming in later this afternoon. I'm partnering him with Barclay."

Alex blinked. "But Barclay is Goren's partner...or did he transfer, too?"

"No, he just...well, he requested a new partner so Detective Masuda is being partnered with Barclay." Deakins watched Alex's reaction.

Alex furrowed her brow in confusion and then opened her honey brown eyes wide in surprise, "You're partnering me with Goren?"

Deakins smiled nervously. "Yes, I thought..."

"Am I being punished for something, sir?" Alex asked before she could stop herself. Having heard all about Goren and some of his antics she was a bit concerned that Deakins was going to make him her partner. She did suspect some of the things she heard were exaggerated despite having only superficial contact with the 'genius of Major Case.' He seemed pleasant enough and was always polite and respectful towards her and other members of the squad. Apparently he was a wealth of knowledge, which allowed him to make connections no one else would have seen. She thought he was all right from what little she knew of him, but it was hard to avoid hearing the rumors.

Deakins tried to explain. "Alex, look, I'm asking you to just give it a try. Goren is a great detective. You know about his record in Narcotics. He's had CID experience with the military and they say he's one of the best profilers they've ever had. So far he's closed every case we've given him and..."

"He's driven away three partners in five months," Alex said, still somewhat skeptical of being paired with the eccentric detective. Finding him a likable guy who worked in the same squad was one thing, but being partnered with him was another story.

Deakins threw his hands up in the air, "Like I said, I'm just asking you to give it a try. I don't know Masuda and I don't want to throw someone new in with Goren. I don't like making explanations to the brass about why Goren can't keep a partner. I like him, Alex. He drives me crazy, but I think he's good for the department and he's a great detective. Of all the detectives in Major Case, you're the one who's the most open minded and...well, patient."

Alex sighed. "Do I have a choice?"

"Not really," Deakins said. "Look, I don't trust anyone else to give him a fair chance after everything that's happened so far. You've always managed to get along with everyone and I know you tend to ignore rumors and make up your own mind once you have the facts. If it doesn't work out, you can always request a new partner. All right?"

After a moment's hesitation, Alex acquiesced, "All right, Captain."

_Goren seems nice enough but God, if half of what I've heard is true...ignore it, Alex. I know better than to listen to rumors. Captain Deakins wouldn't partner me with someone I'm going to be miserable with...at least not on purpose... _Despite her anxieties, Alex made up her mind that she was going to make this work. Goren was considered a genius and quite an asset to NYPD. She also knew Deakins really wanted him to remain with Major Case.

Smiling with relief, Deakins stood and headed for the door, "Thank you, Alex. I promise you I wouldn't have asked you to do this if I thought it was going to be a disaster."

Deakins looked over at Alex and hoped he was doing the right thing. He opened the door and scanned the bull pen for Goren. He spotted him talking to Detective Reyes. "Goren! I need to see you in my office."

Detective Marco Reyes, a tall, lanky man was one of only two others in Major Case who was taller than Goren by an inch, smirked. "Gee Goren, what did you do now?"

Goren shrugged. "I'm not even working on an active case right now."

Reyes chuckled. He liked Bobby Goren and enjoyed talking with him. They had a lot in common. Both men served in the Army, both grew up in New York City, were roughly the same age, and they both loved classic cars, which they could discuss all day if allowed to. Reyes had even been to Goren's friend Lewis' garage one weekend to see some of Lewis' classic car acquisitions. Despite all that, even Reyes would have balked at being partnered with Goren. It was one thing to hear of his escapades, it was quite another to be involved in one.

"You just seem to know how to get all the attention, Goren," Reyes teased as Bobby rolled his eyes and headed to the Captain's office.

When he entered Deakins' office, he saw Detective Eames seated in one of the chairs in front of Deakins' desk. She smiled at him as he sat in the chair next to her. He smiled back and nodded in greeting. He liked Eames even though he hadn't interacted much with her during his short time at Major Case. Everyone liked Eames.

"Detective Goren, since Detective Poletti is leaving us today, I need a new partner for Detective Eames. You are it," Deakins said simply.

Bobby looked confused. "But...what about Barclay?"

"I think it would be better for the new guy transferring in to be partnered with Barclay," Deakins replied, trying not to say anything about Barclay threatening to quit if he had to work with Goren on another case.

Bobby sighed and glanced over at Eames who was smiling at him. Detective Alexandra Eames. She came from a family of cops, had risen in the ranks fairly quickly, was the widow of another detective from the 14th, she was one of Major Case's stars. That's all he knew about her. "So what did you do to get punished like this?" he tried to joke.

Alex chuckled. "I asked him the same thing and he said this isn't a punishment."

Bobby smiled at her.

"Look you two, I'm just moving things around a little to see what works best," Deakins said.

"I know, Barclay probably requested another partner and asked for a transfer unless he got one," Bobby said. "It's okay, Captain, I am a detective, you know. I can figure these things out."

Alex covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smirk. _Okay, so this is promising. He might actually be more fun to work with than they say._

Deakins sighed. "I'm sorry, Bobby."

"It's not your fault." Bobby glanced nervously at Alex.

"All right then you two get back out there. As of Monday, Bobby will take over Kevin's desk," Deakins informed them.

The detectives left their Captain's office and headed back out to the bull pen. They both noticed everyone in the squad sneaking looks at them as they exited Deakins' office.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever been this interesting to anyone before," Alex said as she glanced around the room.

"They're probably taking bets on how long you'll put up with me," Bobby said jokingly, but Alex detected an underlying tone of annoyance in his voice.

"Or they're thinking we look like Mutt and Jeff," Alex chuckled as she looked up at her 6'4" partner.

Looking down at her, Bobby tilted his head to one side. "How tall are you, exactly?"

"Oh come on, don't worry about being tactful there, Goren," Alex smirked once more as she looked up at Goren with his head tilted to one side. _Ah yes, he has no filter on his brain. What pops into his head pops out of his mouth. That's good, actually. Rather that than someone who tells me what I want to hear and not what's true._

Bobby blushed. "Uh...sorry...I guess I was thinking out loud." He stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled shyly.

_Now that's impressive. A 6'4", 40-year old man who has the ability to look like he's ten. That has to be the attraction for the secretaries who babble about him in the ladies room. _Alex smiled. "That's okay, I spent a couple of years partnered with 'Mr. Public Relations' over there. Bluntness is rather refreshing." Alex glanced at Poletti who was standing by her desk, talking on his cell phone.

"I thought you and Poletti worked well together?" Bobby asked.

Alex nodded. "Yeah, we did. He's a great detective, but he can be a prima dona. He's much more interested in performing...annoying but he's basically a good guy."

"Well, guess I'll go finish up my paperwork so we can start fresh on Monday," Bobby said as he spotted Barclay getting off the elevator.

Watching Bobby walk over to Barclay, Alex sighed. She had no idea what she had gotten into but she was willing to give Robert Goren a chance for the sake of her Captain and the entire squad.

She wandered back to her desk to find Poletti sitting on it and looking at her sympathetically. "So is it true?" he asked.

Alex smirked. "I wonder why sometimes I feel I'm back in high school listening to gossip in the girls bathroom?"

Poletti shrugged. "I was just trying to show my concern for my soon-to-be former partner."

"I can take care of myself just fine, Poletti," Alex responded with a reassuring smile. "Besides, you know how I like challenges."

"Yea, but Goren is going to be a big challenge. Did you hear what he did to the Mayor's wife's cousin?" Poletti continued, ignoring Alex's obvious desire to drop the subject.

"Kevin, just drop it. What he did or did not do is all speculation unless you actually read the case file and know for sure, and even then I'd rather not gossip about it. He solved the case and got the Mayor's thanks for it, cousin-in-law or not." Alex plopped down in her chair. "On your last day, don't they let you go early or something?"

"Okay, okay, fine. But you watch out for yourself. Goren may be the genius of NYPD and all but he could be trouble." Poletti went to his own desk and finished packing up his belongings in a cardboard box.

The rest of the day progressed without further incident. Poletti had his farewell party at his favorite bar and Detective Roy Masuda was welcomed into the squad.

Monday morning arrived to find Goren and Eames assigned a new case before they could even get a cup of coffee. A best selling author was found dead in her Manhattan loft.

As Bobby grabbed the keys for the SUV, he found Alex's hand on his arm. "I would prefer to drive, if you don't mind."

"Uh...sure, if you want," Bobby replied a bit taken aback. "I just...I'm used to driving. Barclay doesn't like it, but I'd be much happier if I could go over notes and files on the way."

"Great, you've got one point in your favor already, then. Kevin used to argue with me all the time about driving," Alex smiled as she took the keys from Bobby and led the way to the elevators.

"You want to drive, you drive," Bobby said with a shrug.

And so things got off to a rather good start.

It turned out the case was a simple one to solve. The case was closed in two days. The next one was a bit more of a challenge, but it seemed the two detectives worked well enough together. There were the odd questions Goren asked that caused people to raise an eyebrow or two. Occasionally he could be annoyingly smart, tossing out the most obscure facts only someone who might have read the encyclopedia from A to Z would know. But all in all Alex thought Goren was great to work with. He always treated her with respect and never patronized her as some others she had worked with. He also didn't resent her being senior partner despite being younger and a woman and those were points in his favor.

The trouble started in the middle of their third case. That was when Alex started to think perhaps Goren was on his best behavior for the first couple of cases to lull her into a false sense of security.

From the very beginning, this case was fraught with trouble. The victim, Anita Corinthos, was the daughter of Arthur Corinthos, a wealthy jeweler who owned several stores along the east coast. Unfortunately, their suspect was Ramon Corinthos, the victim's brother. Ramon might not have been the killer, but Bobby was certain he was involved in some way. Making the situation worse was Mr. Corinthos' refusal to accept any evidence of his son's involvement.

Of course, this led to a major confrontation between Arthur Corinthos and Bobby. Alex was concerned over the lack of physical evidence and witnesses to the crime. All the evidence they had was circumstantial. Bobby had pointed out to Alex all the reasons he believed Ramon had orchestrated the whole thing. It did make sense to her once he explained it, but most of it was based on his observations and his psychological profile of Ramon. She wasn't sure she trusted his judgment at this early stage of their partnership. Bobby's methods were new to her and sometimes left her feeling uncomfortable and nervous.

It was also disconcerting when Bobby would periodically run off without explanation to follow a lead that popped into his head. Sometimes he even left in the middle of a conversation with her! Alex found herself chasing him down demanding an explanation. Sometimes Goren gave it immediately, other times he had the nerve to say he didn't have time to bring her up to speed. That infuriated her more than anything. Did he think she was stupid? Did he think she didn't have the ability to comprehend what he was thinking? When he did explain things to her he seemed annoyed that it was necessary.

After one of those occasions when he didn't have time to answer her, he managed to get an associate of Ramon's into the interrogation room. Alex was unaware of the situation until Detective Barclay asked her who Goren was questioning in there.

Alex got to the observation room just in time to see Bobby with a predatory look in his eyes, apparently intimidating the man who was standing in the farthest corner from the door. He seemed frightened of the big detective despite the fact that Bobby wasn't even nearby. She knew Bobby was probably playing mind-games with him. When Alex entered the interrogation room to find out what was going on, the man suddenly became emboldened and demanded a lawyer. Bobby was furious. He followed Alex out of the room and yelled at her. She yelled back. The argument ended with Alex storming out and telling Deakins she was taking some sick time that afternoon on her way out.

It didn't surprise Deakins the next morning when he found a letter from Alex on his desk requesting a new partner. Deakins sighed and tried to think of how he was going to explain this to the brass. He reread the letter twice more and focused on one line in particular.

_Detective Goren's erratic and anti-social behavior, his volatile and bizarre interrogation techniques lead me to have serious doubts about his judgment and mental stability._

If Alex Eames felt this way, perhaps it was true. Deakins was very disappointed. He called her into his office and convinced her to at least finish out the case with Goren. She was reluctant to do so but was also aware that this case was very sensitive and leaving Goren alone with it would not be the best idea.

When Bobby arrived at the office he found Alex in the break room deep in thought and unaware of his presence.

"Good morning," he said quietly as he put a small brown bag down on the table along with a cup of Starbucks gourmet coffee. He pushed both towards her as she looked up at him with a surprised look on her face. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have...yelled at you yesterday," he said apologetically.

"Really?" Alex said rather sarcastically. She was still angry and not inclined to let him bribe her into forgiving him. She folded her arms in front of her and stared at him coldly.

Bobby sighed and sat down across the table from her. "Look, I...I know I should have kept you informed about what I was doing. It's just...sometimes I get an idea and...well, I just forget that I...I should...explain myself."

The combination of Bobby's genuine regret and the aroma of the Starbucks vanilla latte were beginning to work on Alex's defenses. She was all set to read him the riot act but Bobby had such a mournful expression on his face she was finding it difficult to remain angry.

"How did you manage in Narcotics?" she asked bluntly. At this point she was more curious about his behavior than angry.

"We were out in the field a lot...undercover. I could pretty much...be outrageous and act impulsively without...without having to explain myself. You kind of...had to be able to...improvise because situations were so...so unpredictable. When you're dealing with drug addicts and drug dealers...you sometimes don't have time to think about anything else but how to adapt to a dangerous situation when you're faced with their unpredictable behavior. The other guys involved in the sting operations...they were the same way when we were out in the field," Bobby explained. "Maybe I should have...maybe moving me to Major Case was a mistake." He stared at the table top, looking absolutely miserable.

_Great, how did he get this turned around so now I'm feeling badly about everything? _Alex shook her head, "No, I think you're among the best and the brightest, Goren. You belong here. You just need to remember to keep your partner informed. Running off on your own isn't acceptable with me. I'm not going to let you leave me in the dust because you don't think I can keep up like your partners in Narcotics."

Bobby blinked in surprise at her words. "You think I...no, no, it's not like that! I don't think you..." Bobby was flustered. He never thought she couldn't keep up with him. He just wasn't used to dealing with partners in a more conventional way after his years in Narcotics.

Taking a deep breath, Bobby composed himself. "I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I...I thought you incapable of...of understanding or of dealing with...unpredictable situations. I just...when I get an idea in my head I just act on it without considering that...that I should probably let my partner know what's going on."

Bobby looked at Alex and saw some doubt reflected in her eyes. "I understand if you just don't want to deal with this any more. When I think about it, if I were you and if I had to deal with someone like me, I might not be too happy about it either." He stood up and stuffed his hands in his pockets stared down at the floor. "For what it's worth, I appreciate your calling me out yesterday - even if I may not have appreciated it at the time."

Alex was surprised by his comment. "Why? I thought you said I ruined everything by barging in like that?"

Still unable to look her in the eye, Bobby shook his head and stared at the table top. "I should have told you. If I explained my thoughts...what I was planning...you wouldn't have felt a need to come in and find out what was going on. It was my fault. At least you...you confronted me. Everyone else said nothing when they got frustrated and...well, just went straight to Deakins and asked for a new partner...or in Chambliss' case, just transferred out."

Now Alex was feeling absolutely horrible. _How do I tell him what I've done now? I'm no better than those others. _She thought about the contents of the letter. _Maybe I'm worse..._

Bobby finally looked at Alex. "I promise...I'll try to do better. You're the only one here who has even tried to understand me. I...I can see that...sometimes you...you don't agree with me but you...you give me time to explain. I appreciate that more than you know. I shouldn't have assumed you were...you were like them."

_Great, now I want to cry...how did he do that? And here I thought he was an arrogant ass. I have to fix this... _Alex knew he was waiting for her to say something. "Tell you what, I promise to never interrupt you like that again, but I will kick your ass afterwards if you forget to keep me informed or to explain things to me. Got it?"

Bobby smiled with relief. "Got it."

He was rewarded with a smile from Alex who found herself holding a mental debate about whether to tell Bobby what she had done.

For the rest of the day, Alex tried to find time to talk to Deakins privately, but they were so busy she had to wait until the following morning. That night she slept horribly, feeling anxious and guilty about the awful things she had written in that letter. She had been so angry at the time she wrote it she really didn't care how it would look for Bobby. Now she realized she should have waited until she her anger dissipated.

Goren really was brilliant and while he was unorthodox in his methods and approach to solving crime, Alex had to admit he made work more interesting. He challenged her and she liked that as well. His sincere apology and gratitude for her trying to understand him made her realize all the good things she thought about him were correct and all the negatives were a misunderstanding.

The next morning she barged into Deakins' office, looking bleary eyed and stressed out.

"Alex, what happened?" Deakins asked. "What did Goren do now?"

Alex shook her head vehemently. "No, no I want to withdraw my request for a new partner."

"You what?" Deakins asked.

Alex dropped into a chair and sighed. "I...I want to withdraw my request. It was a mistake, Captain. I shouldn't have...I should have waited until I wasn't so upset."

"You're not the first one to question his mental stability, Alex, " Deakins said quietly as he took his seat behind his desk.

"He's not unstable! I just...I just didn't understand. I judged him without hearing his explanation." Alex nervously tapped the arm of her chair as she prayed that the letter had not been officially put on file. "And I'd really like to have my letter back."

"I can withdraw your request Alex but I can't give you the letter back. It's already been filed, along with my explanation about your finishing out the case you're working on," Deakins informed her. "But when I put in the request for withdrawal of your letter, nothing else will happen to it."

"So it won't reflect negatively on Goren?" Alex asked, hoping she hadn't done something irreparable.

"It shouldn't," Deakins replied. "I'll put in the withdrawal request immediately. The only thing that will happen is the letter will be stuck in a file somewhere to gather dust. If you had gone ahead with your request someone might have been curious enough to look into it but now it probably won't be given another thought."

Alex nodded, looking relieved and then another thought struck her. She looked at her Captain nervously. "Captain, did you...I mean, have you said anything to anyone else in the department?"

"No, I generally don't like to add even more grist for the rumor mill. I figured there would be plenty of time for that after you two closed this case." Deakins watched as Alex processed the information.

"Captain...I would appreciate it if..." Alex swallowed nervously. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention my request to Goren."

Deakins frowned. "Is there a problem I need to know about?"

Alex blushed. "No, it's just...we're still working things out and I'm afraid if he finds out what I did..." Alex closed her eyes to regain her composure. "What I wrote in that letter was horrible and none of it is true." She opened her eyes and looked directly at Deakins. "He might not trust me if he finds out about that letter. I can't risk that."

"Oh for heaven's sake, Alex, Bobby has been through this with his other partners here. How can this be any worse?" Deakins asked.

"And that would make me just like them! He's trying to work things out with me because he thinks I'm NOT like them."

Deakins appeared to consider her words for a moment. Then he said, "Look, I'm not going to tell him. But I think you should."

"I'll think about telling him, sir. Thank you." Alex stood to leave. _Maybe the Captain is right. I should just tell him. I don't have to tell him what was in it...but would he be curious enough to try and find out? What would he do if he knew what I almost did? Would he trust me if he knew I went so far as to question his mental stability? _

Deakins nodded and watched her head to her desk.

Bobby arrived at the office just as Alex got to her desk. Before she could say or do anything, he immediately began telling her his latest discovery and his excitement was contagious. Alex found herself wrapped up in the case and her doubts and worries about the letter were soon forgotten. For the next five years, she never even gave it a second thought.

**The End Chapter 3**

_A/N: The next chapter of relevance to our two detectives will be covered in Chapter 8 of Defining Moments where we will be dealing with The Faithful and the reasons for and after-effects of Bobby's actions and Alex's agreement to keep Carver out of the loop for a couple of days._


	4. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I own nothing.**

_A/N: This is a post-Jones moment for Alex and Bobby. This one is short and only touches on what was going on in Alex's mind when Bobby was suggesting she act as bait for Talbott and how Bobby might have felt about the whole thing afterward. Thanks to __untapdtreasure for the beta work on this one.  
_

**One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

Alex washed her hands twice. She meant it when she said she was going to wash off the slime. Henry Talbott was a nasty piece of work. She shuddered to think she actually allowed him to touch her. However, it was over now. Any misgivings she had over dealing with Talbott were firmly placed behind her. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she brushed back some loose strands of her hair behind her ears. Taking a deep breath, she headed out of the ladies room and returned to her desk.

Her partner was sitting at his desk, diligently filling out the paperwork for the case. It surprised her. Usually Bobby hated paperwork and did everything possible to put it off until it could be put off no more.

"Are you feeling all right?" she asked as she approached him from behind and peered over his shoulder.

Startled by her approach, Bobby blinked and looked up at her inquisitively. "I...I'm fine. Why?"

Alex smirked as she moved over to her own desk. "You _never_ delve into paperwork so...enthusiastically. I figure something must be up with you." She grabbed a folder of her own to work on as she sat at her desk and opened the file.

"What?" she asked when she saw his slightly furrowed brow and worried gaze still focused on her.

"Ah, sorry..." he apologized as he returned his attention to his paperwork.

"Bobby, seriously, what's up with you?" she asked again. She was joking with him the first time she asked but now she realized there really was something bothering her partner.

Bobby shook his head. "Nothing," he said without looking up at her.

After considering him for a moment, Alex leaned back in her chair and watched Bobby work. _What's going on here? Does he feel badly about Talbott's wife and children? _Bobby still didn't notice she was observing him. That wasn't like him, either. As she looked at him more closely, she could tell he was aware she was watching him but was choosing to ignore her. Now she was getting annoyed. _What the hell is wrong with him? I'm the one who had to go and get all friendly with that slime bag, Talbott. I'm the one who should be..._ It suddenly dawned on Alex what might be wrong with him.

"Come on, partner, it's time for a coffee break," she said as she stood up.

Bobby looked up at her with a puzzled expression on his face, "Coffee?"

"Yeah, coffee. Real coffee. Not the sludge they serve in the break room." Alex smiled, but her eyes sent him the message that he better not argue with her.

"Uh...all right," Bobby finally replied after staring at her blankly for a few seconds. Her message was received, loud and clear. He got up and followed her to the elevators, hands stuffed in his pockets.

The two partners said nothing as they walked to the same little coffee shop they had visited after the McShale case. This time Alex insisted on paying for the coffee and Bobby didn't seem inclined to argue over that either. They once again took a table by the window.

"So, time to talk, Goren." Alex took a sip of her caramel latte and looked expectantly at Bobby, who was staring out the window.

"You're the one who wanted to have coffee, Eames," Bobby replied softly, still staring out the window to avoid her gaze.

"I want to know what's going on inside that head of yours right now." Alex kept her eyes on Bobby, willing him to look at her.

Reluctantly tearing his gaze away from the street outside, Bobby turned his head to look at his partner. "I...I was just wondering...if...if I'm still going to have a partner tomorrow." His gaze faltered and he now stared at his coffee cup.

"Why on earth would you think that? Do I look upset?" Alex asked rather harshly, feeling very frustrated.

Glancing up at her, Bobby nodded, "You do, actually."

Alex sighed and tried to calm herself, realizing her tone wasn't helping the situation. "I'm upset because you seem to have this idea that I'm supposed to be angry at you. Why would you think that?"

"Detective Dervin," Bobby said simply.

"Detective Dervin?" Alex was even more confused as she tried to figure out what Michelle Dervin would have to do with any of this.

Bobby nodded. "She told me...if...if I made her act as...bait for Talbott, she...she would have quit," he said so softly Alex could barely hear him.

"Oh for..." Alex stopped herself. She knew she sounded angry and she was, but not for the reason Bobby was apparently assuming. Detective Dervin was going to get an earful from her when they returned to 1PP.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said, looking genuinely upset.

"So am I," Alex said. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I wasn't happy about being asked to act as bait. I spent all those years in Vice doing that and moving up to Major Case was supposed to be the end of all that. And yes, that look I gave you when you first suggested it was one of disbelief and a little resentment."

"I'm..." Bobby began again, looking even more miserable than Alex had seen him since the day he apologized to her after their first big blow up on the Corinthos case.

"But we needed to do something to get Talbott, and if that was the way to get him, then it was the right thing to do," she continued, interrupting him before he apologized to her again. "I'm not mad, Bobby. I _am_ Talbott's type, and I know how to act as bait. I was the natural choice. It was reasonable to ask me to bait him."

Bobby stared at her as if he didn't quite believe she wasn't still angry at him over the whole incident.

"Besides, I seriously doubt Talbott would have gone for Deakins or Carver," Alex joked, hoping to convince her partner that she had indeed gotten over her initial resentment.

After a few moments of observing her, Bobby finally gave her a small smile. "If you're trying to cheer me up, making me picture Deakins and Carver in drag isn't the way to do it. It's more frightening than funny."

"Good point," Alex agreed. She smiled at Bobby who was finally looking more like his usual self. _It's going to take a longer than I thought to convince him I'm not going anywhere._ "You know it's going to take more than sticking me in a room to flirt with a serial killer to get rid of me, Goren."

Bobby couldn't help but laugh at that. Alex always seemed to find a way to make him laugh. Recently he was getting more familiar with her sense of humor. In the beginning most of it seemed to be wasted on him. With time he appeared to be more relaxed round her, and she hoped they would finally get to a place where he wouldn't worry about her requesting a new partner every time they had a disagreement.

The two partners finished their coffee as they discussed the case and the price of coffee. By the time they returned to 1PP things were mostly back to normal. The only difference was Bobby finished up the bulk of the paperwork. It was one difference Alex didn't mind at all.

**The End Chapter 4**

_A/N: Onto The Third Horseman next. :-)_


	5. Painful Reminders

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I own nothing.**

_A/N: As promised The Third Horseman and what I thought was going on with Alex. Thanks to untapdtreasure and gorengal for the beta work!  
_

**Painful Reminders**

Alex was normally very good at separating her personal emotions from any case she happened to be working on. This case, however dealt with an issue she felt strongly about and brought up painful memories.

At the moment, she and her partner were monitoring the online activities of one Lorne Cutler. They believed Cutler was helping Dennis Griscom, the suspect in the murder of an abortion doctor. Earlier that day they paid a visit to Mr. Cutler's residence. Alex knew Bobby was talking to Cutler to keep him occupied while she was installing the spyware on his computer. She didn't give much thought to what they said to each other. Bobby was very good at getting people to talk about all kinds of things. They were doing their "good cop, bad cop" routine with Alex taking the role of bad cop.

"Now Cutler is writing emails," Bobby noted as the two partners sat watching the monitor.

Alex began reading out loud, "All it takes is one state to threaten sedition over abortion and this thing will turn around. There is reason to hope. We have friends in surprising places, even in the New York City police department. I met a detective who thinks picking up the sword is the only option left to stop the abortion factories."

_What the hell did Bobby say to this guy?_ From what Cutler was writing, it seemed he believed Bobby was sympathetic to his cause. It left Alex feeling cold. _ Just how sympathetic to this cause is he? _

Alex liked and respected Bobby despite, or perhaps because of, his many eccentricities. Those little misunderstandings that left Alex annoyed and frustrated and left Bobby upset and worried that she would request a new partner, were practically non-existent these days. They were considered the best team in Major Case. Now this case dropped into their laps and here she was, back to feeling annoyed and frustrated.

Looking at her partner, she couldn't help but ask, "You told him that?" _Why? Why would you say something like that?_

"Uh huh, to earn his confidence," Bobby replied casually, unaware of her distress as he kept watching the monitor.

"Not to mention his love and admiration," Alex threw out, unable to keep herself from feeling somewhat betrayed by her partner. She knew it was illogical and unreasonable but she couldn't help it.

"True believers expect everyone to think like them." Bobby said almost absently as he continued staring at the monitor.

Sitting back in her chair, Alex let out a sigh of frustration. "What do you really think?" Alex pressed on, unable to stop herself. _Do you really want to know if your partner would think of you as some kind of murderer for what you did?_

"I'll tell you what I think when I get pregnant," Bobby replied, still apparently unaware of Alex's concern over the matter.

_Oh no you don't! You don't get to blow me off like that, Goren. _ "You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, Bobby." Alex stared at her partner, who finally seemed to get the message that Alex was getting upset, and she was in no mood to joke around.

"Okay," Bobby said. He turned to face her and leaned in close to address her. "Life is full of uncertainty. People need to have options," he said as he continued to look her in the eye to assure her of his sincerity. "Abortion has got to be one of those options. That's what I think."

Searching his face for any signs of insincerity and finding none, Alex relaxed. The two partners kept their eyes locked on each other for a moment to reassure themselves that everything was once again all right between them.

"Okay, he just got pulled into a private chat," Zach, the computer tech informed them, interrupting the detectives' own private chat.

Bobby and Alex immediately returned their attention to monitoring Cutler's online activities.

* * *

They eventually tracked Griscom down. After a few setbacks, including being forced to release him due to lack of evidence directly connecting him to the murder of Dr. Cavella, they finally got him. Griscom was caught in the act of trying to shoot the judge who refused to allow him to stop his former girlfriend from having an abortion. 

That night, back at 1PP, Alex and Bobby sat at their desks finishing up the paperwork for the case. It was close to ten o'clock when they finished filling out and signing the last form.

The tension Alex felt throughout the case flowed out of her as she yawned and stretched in her seat. This case proved to be tough on her emotionally and she was quite ready to be done with it.

"I'll take these to Deakins," Bobby offered as he stood up and grabbed the files off her desk.

Alex smiled tiredly and nodded. She grabbed her purse out of a drawer and was fishing through it for her keys when Bobby returned.

"Hey, you up for that margarita I promised you?" he asked.

Alex chuckled. "I asked you to buy me one but you didn't actually promise me." She triumphantly grabbed her keys from bottom of her purse. "You don't have to buy me a margarita, Bobby."

Bobby was looking at her with that inquisitive gaze of his.

"What?" she asked, feeling slightly annoyed. Bobby had a habit of staring at people when he was trying to read them. She hated it when he did it to her. However, he rarely did or at least she rarely caught him doing it.

"Uh...sorry. I was just...just worried about you," he finally admitted.

_Worried about me?_ Alex blinked in surprise. "Why?"

Bobby shrugged. "I'm the one who usually gets emotionally invested in these cases. I'm not used to...seeing you like this."

Looking at her 6'4" partner staring at her with a furrowed brow, Alex started to feel the tension creeping back into her. _What is it with him? Is he a mind reader?...Of course not, idiot, you were practically cursing Carver under your breath over the whole abortion issue, and you demanded Bobby explain his views. How much more obvious could you be? _ She took a deep breath and forced herself to smile. "We're done with this case, Bobby. I'm fine."

"Are you?" Bobby asked, apparently unable to stop himself. From the expression on his face, Alex could tell he was afraid he had gone too far with that statement.

_Be nice to him, Alex. He really is concerned about your state of mind. You're supposed to be the one who's grounded. _"Would it make you feel better if you bought me a margarita?" Alex asked with a genuine smile this time, though she still held some tension in her shoulders.

"Um...well, yes, actually." Bobby still looked worried, even as he tried to offer her a smile.

"All right then, but you're not going to try and analyze me, Bobby," Alex warned as the two partners headed towards the elevators.

Bobby said nothing but glanced at her, indicating he was doing exactly what she asked him not to do. Mostly because she was too tired to argue, Alex decided to ignore it.

They chose a bar close to Alex's apartment so she wouldn't have to drive and Bobby could take a cab to his place. It was crowded but they found a quiet booth at the back. The drive over allowed Alex to relax a bit, and she was actually looking forward to sharing a drink with Bobby. They usually shared coffee and meals together, but this was the first time they were going for drinks.

Alex didn't like going for drinks with anyone as a general rule of thumb. Not since the time she ended up getting wasted and going home with Jeff. She knew she wouldn't do that again, but just being in a bar reminded her of that night and it was one she'd rather forget.

However, with Bobby she felt very safe. He was her partner and he was probably not interested in her the way Jeff was. Even if he was, she knew he'd never act on it for fear of chasing her off. He valued her as a partner way too much to jeopardize it by doing something like that. A part of her found that annoying on some subconscious level but her conscious mind found it reassuring. So sitting in a quiet booth at the back of a bar in a somewhat intimate setting didn't bother her as much as she thought it might.

Bobby ordered a pitcher of margarita and a plate of nachos.

"A whole pitcher?" Alex asked, wondering how well Bobby held his liquor. From the looks of him she figured he handled it well.

Bobby chuckled. "Neither of us is gonna be driving tonight. Besides, we don't have to drink it all."

For a moment, Alex wondered if Bobby was trying to get her to loosen up enough to talk about why she felt so strongly about this case. Then she felt guilty that the thought even crossed her mind. Bobby would never do that. He respected her need for privacy as much as she respected his.

"You obviously haven't met members of my family," Alex joked.

"Don't worry, Eames, I won't let you do anything you can be blackmailed for later," Bobby teased back.

_Where the hell were you two years ago? _Alex smiled but she could tell by the way Bobby was looking at her that he knew she didn't find much humor there.

Before he could say anything else the waitress came back with their drinks and nachos. Alex immediately took a sip of her drink, avoiding Bobby's inquisitive gaze.

"So is this what you do to unwind after a case," Alex asked as she finally looked at him.

"Sometimes. Generally I bug Lewis to let me help him work on one of his cars or I go home, have a beer and lose myself in books." Bobby took a sip of his drink. "So what do you do unwind after a case?"

"Usually I go to the gym to work out," Alex replied. "Unless it's late like tonight. Then I go home, put on an old movie and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's."

The conversation then turned towards classic movies and cars. Alex surprised Bobby with her in depth knowledge of cars. She used to work on them with her father and brothers when she was growing up. Her sister, Vicky, was the 'girly' one. Alex was the tomboy.

They were almost done with their pitcher of margaritas. Alex was in a much better mood and definitely more relaxed when she excused herself to go to the ladies room. She was washing her hands at the sink when another woman stepped to the sink next to her.

Looking up into the mirror, Alex saw a familiar face she couldn't quite place. As she turned off the faucet and grabbed a couple of paper towels to dry her hands she looked at the woman and smiled.

The round faced woman smiled back as she grabbed some paper towels, dried her hands and tossed them in the trash can. As the woman left the ladies room, the warm, fuzzy feeling from the margaritas and conversation with her partner, suddenly disappeared and she felt cold. _Was that Dr. Pettit?  
_

Dr. Pettit was the psychiatrist Vicky made Alex visit after finding her curled up in a fetal position in her bed, wearing her terry cloth robe, shivering and sobbing uncontrollably that awful night after her abortion. Both Vicky and Dr. Pettit meant well, but Alex didn't feel comfortable talking to her sister, who was her closest confidant, nor to the psychiatrist, who was a complete stranger. After one visit with the doctor, she never went back, despite Vicky's encouragement. She insisted she was fine and after a while, she managed to convince herself of that as well.

_No, it couldn't be her. Maybe I've just had too much to drink._ Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. All those negative emotions she suppressed for the last two years were surfacing and Alex wasn't sure she could go back out there to face Bobby. _So what? Am I just going to stay in here until he comes looking for me? Maybe I haven't had enough to drink._

The sound of someone else entering the ladies room brought Alex out of her dark thoughts. She hurried back to the booth where Bobby was pouring the last of the margaritas into their glasses. She slid back into her side of the booth and tried to calm down, desperately wanting to regain the relaxed feeling of warmth she had before she ran into the woman who reminded her of Dr. Pettit. She felt like the universe was out to get her. _Why are these things happening now? Am I being punished again?_

"Everything all right?" Bobby asked, looking concerned.

_My luck I have to be with the one person I can't fool when I decide to have my little breakdown. _ Alex shook her head, deciding honesty was the best policy here. "I think I might be coming down with something." She rubbed her arms to try and generate some warmth. "I'm feeling a little chilled." She glanced out at the other tables in the bar to see if she could spot the woman who reminded her of Dr. Pettit. _Please let me get out of here without seeing her again._

"See someone you know?" Bobby was watching her with that analytical expression.

Taking her glass in hand, Alex took two huge gulps. Bobby was looking worried. _Good going, Alex. Now he really knows something is wrong._

"Eames?"

"I'm just trying to warm up." Alex stared at her glass.

"You know, alcohol doesn't really warm..." Bobby began.

"I know, I know," Alex snapped. "I just want to feel better _now_."

Now Bobby was looking really concerned. His head was even tilted slightly as he observed her with his probing dark brown eyes.

Alex sighed. "I'm sorry, Bobby. I shouldn't be taking this out on you."

"I'm a good listener, if you prefer. I can stop asking questions or pointing out the obvious."

Alex smiled. _The universe can't be that mad with me. It threw the Griscom case in my lap and Dr. Pettit in my face, but it also gave me Bobby Goren for a partner. _ "You sure are patient, Goren."

"So are you. That's why you got stuck with me for a partner, remember?" Bobby smiled.

Alex chuckled. She leaned back and put her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes. "Have you ever done something...made a mistake or...just a made a bad decision where the consequences...stay with you no matter how hard you try to make it go away?"

"I think almost everyone does something they regret at some time in their lives, Eames," Bobby replied in his soft, soothing voice. "You just have to accept that it was done, you can't change anything and it won't go away. But you can think of it as...a lesson and move on."

When she opened her eyes, Alex saw Bobby looking at her with an understanding she suspected he had since their conversation that day they were monitoring Lorne Cutler's online activities. _ Why can't I just talk about it? He wouldn't judge me if I told him. _Alex sighed. _Because you can't even talk about it with your own sister. _

"What if you thought you moved on but...but you find out one day you really haven't?" she asked as she stared at the table top.

"Even after you move on, sometimes you have set backs. Like I said, it doesn't really ever go away." Bobby took a sip of his drink. "But you can't let it rule your life, and I know you won't."

"Really? And how do you know this?" Alex looked up to meet his gaze.

Bobby smiled. "Because I won't let you."

Alex laughed. She felt warmth starting to return as she gave Bobby a playful kick under the table. "Hey, that's supposed to be my line!"

"I don't see why you should have all the fun. Besides, I'm buying drinks and food tonight. When you buy drinks and food, you can go back to being the bossy one." Bobby grinned.

"I'm not bossy!" Alex protested in mock annoyance.

"Yes you are, but in a nice way." Bobby winked. "Besides, I'm in charge of the self-guilt department, remember?"

Alex smiled. "Thank you," she said simply. No other words were necessary at that point. It was the first time the partners discovered they could have an entire conversation with just a few words and a glance.

The warmth stayed with Alex the rest of the evening as the two partners finished their drinks and the conversation moved on to other lighter topics. By the time Alex returned home that evening, she felt relaxed and relatively happy. There was still that nagging thought at the back of her mind of unresolved issues but she felt confident enough to deal with them and she did.

The next day Alex and her sister finally had a heart to heart talk. Tears were shed on both sides but in the end, she and Vicky felt closer than they had been in the last two years.

**The End Chapter 5**

_A/N: We go back to Defining Moments Chapter 9 next - hopefully soon. I've got some advanced tax seminars to take for the upcoming tax season so it might cut into my writing time. Darn that real life!!! LOL_


	6. Nemesis 2

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I own nothing.**

_A/N: Alex's POV on Anti-Thesis. It helps to read Defining Moments Chapter 10 in order for this to make more sense. Thanks again to gorengal and untapdtreasure for the beta.   
_

**The Nemesis 2 **

Nicole Wallace, a.k.a. Elizabeth Hitchens. She hated the woman. When she and Bobby went to question her at her apartment she smiled and said all the right things but Alex could tell something wasn't right. She could see it in Wallace's eyes.

When they got her in the interrogation room at 1PP, Alex gladly left Bobby to deal with her. Her partner was much better at handling psychopaths. But as she watched them from behind the two-way mirror, Alex had to suppress the urge to run in there to intervene. She could tell Bobby was blindsided by her delving into his personal life. She also knew her presence would have thrown him off his game. Knowing she was behind the mirror with the captain was one thing, but having her in the same room while painful details of his life were brought to light would be quite another. Using every ounce of will power she had, Alex remained quietly by her captain's side as they watched Bobby do battle with 'that creature,' as Alex thought of her.

She was nervous about facing Wallace again. On the way to her apartment to arrest her for a second time, Alex kept an eye on Bobby who was lost in his own thoughts. _He's probably wondering what I'm thinking about those revelations about his mother. _

When they arrived at Nicole's apartment building Alex practically leapt out of the SUV. She didn't really expect to find the creature waiting for them but just in case, Alex wanted to be the one who confronted her first. _There's no way I'm going to let her do any more harm to Bobby. _

After bursting in to find Christine Fellowes standing alone in the apartment, Alex felt a mixture of anger, disappointment and relief. She was angry at Christine Fellowes for helping the creature to escape, disappointed that her assumption that they wouldn't find Wallace there was correct and relieved that Bobby wouldn't be facing this nemesis so soon after their last encounter.

"What did you think? She'd have scones and a glass of sherry waiting for us?" Alex said as she glanced at Bobby then went to call Deakins. _Good going, Alex. He's just as upset over this case as I am. Don't take it out on him. _

After checking in with the captain, Alex looked over at Bobby who stood where she left him, staring at nothing in particular. _How do we handle this breach in those carefully set boundaries? _ "The captain wants us back at the office," she said. Bobby continued staring at nothing and Alex began to worry he was disappearing into his head again. "Bobby?"

"Sorry..." he said, his voice trailing off as he met her gaze.

"There's nothing more we can do here. The Captain wants us back at the office," she informed him.

Bobby nodded and headed out the door. Alex followed closely behind him, worrying about his state of mind.

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Neither Bobby nor Alex said much to each other that wasn't work related after returning to 1PP. They spent the rest of the day and early evening going over any possible leads to find Nicole Wallace, but not even the captain expected them to find anything.

Alex headed to her gym to work off her pent up aggression. She made her way to the punching bag at the back of the gym where it was darker and quieter than the main exercise floor. She imagined her fists making contact with Nicole Wallace's face as she pummeled the bag mercilessly. For half an hour she kept up her assault until her arms ached and she was bathed in sweat from the effort. Grabbing her hand towel she wiped her face and neck and decided to skip the treadmill.

Later, as she showered in the locker room, she felt the tension flow off her as the water washed away the grime from the day. _Why does losing Nicole Wallace bother me so much? Because it's the first case Bobby and I haven't been able to close? _Alex sighed as she shut off the water and dried herself off. She knew exactly why it bothered her. _It's because Wallace messed with Bobby's head and now he's going to spend the next few days brooding and being miserable. _

When she returned to her apartment, Alex flopped down on the sofa and kicked off her shoes. Despite her workout at the gym, she didn't have the energy to move any further into her apartment. She fell asleep on her sofa with the television on. Her dreams were filled with nightmares of Nicole Wallace literally ripping Bobby's heart out of his chest while Alex stood there, paralyzed and unable to do anything to stop her. She was jarred awake at five o'clock when she fell off her sofa trying to grab Nicole around the throat in her dream.

She groaned as she pulled herself up off the floor and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. She may not have been able to save Bobby from Nicole's sick head games, but she could at least save him the prolonged agony of dealing with the paperwork they still needed to finish.

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After a long day of finishing up the Nicole Wallace paperwork, doing research to help two other detectives, meeting with Carver and being assigned a new case, Alex was exhausted. Fortunately it was a productive day and she was in a much better frame of mind than the night before.

The day proved enlightening in more ways than one. She learned Bobby was patient, and from what she could gather from his half of a phone call he made to his mother, he was a long-suffering son. She also learned that Bobby thought less of himself than he should. It was amazing that a man who some thought of as an 'arrogant ass' was really most humble when it came to estimating his self worth.

As she climbed into bed at 1 a.m., Alex's thoughts drifted to her partner. She hoped he finally realized that all the things Nicole Wallace revealed about his past and his family reflected positively on him, not negatively in her mind. Being Bobby Goren's partner wasn't always easy, but it certainly kept life interesting and Alex wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

She finally fell into a deep sleep. The only dream she had that night was one of her slamming the door to a dungeon cell on a screeching Nicole Wallace.

**The End Chapter 6**

_A/N: On to Suite Sorrow. Again, a chapter for Bobby in Defining Moments and one for Alex in this series. _


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